2025 Kentucky Derby Preview: Pretenders

AP Photo/ Morry Gash

The 2025 Kentucky Derby: Pretenders to the Crown

Louisville, Kentucky—May 3rd, 2025. The tension is thick. The air is a strange cocktail of bourbon fumes, mint juleps, and sweat, and the crowd at Churchill Downs is waiting for the gates to spring open. Some are praying for victory, others are just here for the chaos, and then there are the ones who are already counting their winnings in their minds. But before the madness takes off, before the fast, beautiful beasts rip through the dirt track like rampaging gods, we have to talk about the pretenders. These are the horses that don’t have it. Not yet. Not this year. And they’ve dragged their owners, their trainers, and their poor unsuspecting fans into a cruel game of false hope.

In the world of the Kentucky Derby, only the strong survive. The rest? They fall by the wayside, crushed under the weight of expectations they can’t possibly meet. These pretenders may look good on paper, but when the gates open and the dust kicks up in a whirl of violence and fury, they’ll fade into oblivion. Or worse—they’ll collapse under the pressure. Let’s take a look at the wannabes for the 2025 Derby, the ones who just don’t have the cojones to rise to the occasion.

1. Fancy Pants

This one is for the crowd that likes to pretend they know horses. Fancy Pants sounds like a horse made for the elite, doesn’t it? Like something you’d see prancing around a country club in a bow tie, all polished and perfectly manicured, every hoof step as clean as a wall street banker’s suit. It’s easy to look at this horse and think: “Oh, that’s the one. The classy contender. This horse has the breeding, the looks, the whole damn thing.” But looks, my friend, are deceiving.

Sure, Fancy Pants has a spotless record—for what it’s worth. He’s had some easy wins in smaller races, where the competition was about as fierce as a wet paper towel. But come the Derby, where the field is packed with hunger, rage, and savage will, Fancy Pants is going to fold like a cheap deck of cards in a Las Vegas dive bar. This horse is built for comfort, not chaos. He’ll be looking around, trying to make friends in the paddock while the real contenders are preparing to burn it all down. By the time he hits the first turn, he’ll be a faint blur on the horizon, a footnote in the Derby’s long and brutal history.

2. Mr. Bubblegum

The name says it all. Mr. Bubblegum. This is the horse that all the kids are betting on because it’s cute and has a flashy name, like a piece of candy you buy from a machine at the gas station and instantly regret. But the Derby isn’t about cuteness, it’s about power, endurance, and an instinctive desire to destroy. And Mr. Bubblegum? Well, he’s more concerned with looking good and being on the highlight reel for social media than doing anything worthwhile on that track.

Let’s break it down: he’s got the flash—yes—but no real substance. He’s the kind of horse who’s going to break from the gates with a burst of speed and then, like clockwork, he’ll gas out quicker than a 1960s muscle car at the hands of an amateur. By the time he reaches the backstretch, he’ll be panting and looking for an exit. Don’t get me wrong, the crowd will love him. They’ll cheer him on like he’s some sort of mythical figure. But come the final stretch, Mr. Bubblegum will be nothing more than a sad, sticky mess on the track—a symbol of unfulfilled promise. Bet against him, or better yet, don’t bet on him at all.

3. Gold Dust

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of watching this insane spectacle, it’s that the horses with the pretty names and the sparkly coats are usually the biggest disappointments. And Gold Dust is a perfect example. There’s something about this horse that screams: I was born for the runway, not the track. Gold Dust has had some decent wins in small races, sure, but we’re talking about the Kentucky Derby here, not some backwoods county fair.

Gold Dust has all the right connections—he’s got the pedigree, the flashy coat, the trainers whispering sweet nothings in his ear. But does he have the heart? Does he have the fire in his belly to withstand the onslaught of those truly dangerous competitors? No. And here’s why: Gold Dust is a prettified shell of a horse, too concerned with looking good and not nearly enough with doing the damn work. When the Derby crowd roars, when the thunderous sound of the horses thundering down the stretch fills the air, Gold Dust will be a deer in headlights. He’s a pretender, wrapped in glitter and illusion.

4. Princess Peach

Another tragic case of a name that doesn’t live up to the hype. Princess Peach might look like she’s got everything going for her: the princess treatment, the high-profile connections, the whole Disney Princess vibe. But don’t let that fool you. The Derby is not a fairy tale, it’s the real world, where the only thing that matters is whether you can hold your ground when everything falls apart around you.

Look, Princess Peach has a good record, but her victories have been against soft competition. She’s been babied and coddled, sheltered from the real forces that lurk at the Derby. This is a horse that’s used to easy wins, prancing around with a smile on her face, knowing everyone will cheer her on because of her “royal” aura. But when it comes time to push through the pain, the grit, and the fury that is the Derby, Princess Peach will find herself gasping for air, her royal title meaning nothing as she falls behind in the pack. She might get a few pity cheers, but it’ll be over before she knows it.

5. Racing Rainbow

What a joke. Racing Rainbow is a horse that sounds like a punchline, something out of a cheap carnival, not a freaking Kentucky Derby contender. Sure, he’s had a couple of decent outings, but let’s not kid ourselves. His speed has been inconsistent, and his form has been as shaky as a drunk guy stumbling down Bourbon Street after the sun goes down.

This horse is a trainwreck waiting to happen. He’ll start the race fast, trying to keep up with the real players, but like all pretenders, his brilliance will flicker out. The Derby isn’t about hitting it hard for the first few hundred meters; it’s about stamina, about being able to push through long after your body is screaming for mercy. Racing Rainbow will implode by the time they hit the backstretch. You can see it in his eyes—the self-doubt creeping in, the realization that he’s out of his league. It’s sad, really. But at least he’s a rainbow—pretty to look at, but ultimately meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

6. Silver Lining

Here we have another mediocre talent, wrapped up in a nice little package. Silver Lining has had a few wins, but it’s been against horses that couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag. Sure, this horse looks solid enough—good size, decent speed—but that’s where it ends. Silver Lining doesn’t have the killer instinct to cut through the thick of Derby competition.

When the gates spring open, Silver Lining will be one of those horses flailing in the middle, neither fast enough to break away nor skilled enough to hang with the big dogs. The field will pull away, leaving him behind like a forgotten race car sputtering out of control. By the time they hit the final turn, Silver Lining will be somewhere near the back, wondering where it all went wrong. He’s a pretender, and no one will remember his name.

7. Captain’s Promise

“Captain’s Promise”? More like Captain’s Pipe Dream. This horse is a disaster waiting to happen, a false beacon of hope for anyone foolish enough to think he’s got what it takes to win the big one. He’s had a few flashes of brilliance, but like all the wannabe champions, he’s too easily rattled when the pressure hits.

On the day of the Derby, when the crowd is at its loudest, the pressure the heaviest, Captain’s Promise will melt like butter in the heat. He’s a pretender wrapped in a façade of authority, like the junior officer who talks a big game but folds under actual fire. You don’t need to watch closely to know that this horse doesn’t have the grit to withstand the Derby’s unrelenting storm. Save your money. Captain’s Promise will let you down.Louisville, Kentucky—May 3rd, 2025. The clock is ticking, and the gates are about to swing wide open to unleash chaos and fury on the track. The Kentucky Derby, a race of destiny (or maybe just drunken delusion), is looming on the horizon. It’s the center of the sporting universe, where men wear bow ties, women wear wide-brimmed hats, and the horses wear the weight of hope, expectation, and unspeakable greed.

This is no place for the faint of heart, no room for half-assed fantasy, and certainly no time for those who can’t stomach the vicious thrill of competition. The 2025 Derby field is shaping up like a mad god’s chessboard, with ten beasts rising through the chaos, each one driven by the primal urge to be king. And the madness? Oh, it’s in full bloom.